But why me, Oh dear Lord?

Living with it for the past 7 years,
Compromising with it for this long.
I took it as a gift of god.
Though detesting it, all the way along.
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I was but your tender child,
And you bestowed me with half a smile!
I prayed for better to come,
Waited and waited, totally mum,
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I'm now but the lil beleaguered gal,
Amidst the happiness, very sad;
You gave me the gift.
Now please take it away.
I want all my dimples back again.

I didn't hurt you once,
But you killed me every single day.
With a smile as ugly as I say,
You pierced my heart with a sword,
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I was but a naughty child,
And you punished me with half a smile?
For crimes, I don't recall,
To oblivion, I now have to crawl,
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I was but your blessed one,
And you shot me dead with a gun,
I cried. I cried.
And through all this, I survived.
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I was but the apple of your eye,
And you made me live this pretentious lie!
They laughed and laughed,
As I answered them with one half,
But why me, Oh dear Lord?

I was but a happy child,
You gave me the gift.
Now please take it away.
Oh dear Lord, I beg you..
To take it away.
I want my dimples back again.
Oh dear Lord,
You have to take it away...
Please, take it away...

Lost

Wandering alone and getting lost is adventure. But getting lost when someone else is not willing to find a way out is helplessness! One can steer their way through life but it is impossible to move ahead if someone doesnt put their foot off the brakes.

Sigh!
Is this what life was supposed to be all about?

There are fairytales and there are those who dream of them and some who actually get to live them. You always have those star studded eyes and then with a blink you come face-to-face with reality.
When you are used to living in a protected shell anything that breaches that, hurts you even harder. You yearn for support only to be found it snatched away. And the fear of learning to live all alone gets the better of you.
'Time will tell. Time will make it easier. Time will make you understand.'

Well, Millions of seconds have passed by and nothing seems to have been fixed! Ok, the judgement might be wrong and you wish, pray and hope that it is; for the better of you.

Sigh!
And this is life? Is this what it is about?

And they say, I'm living my dream! You got to be kidding.

11-11-11

11-11-11... marked 2 months of whispering sweet nothings. And I'm lovin it!

Social Networking-debate

First yr of Post grad is the one in which most people are least involved in extracurricural activites but it wasn't so in my case maybe due to lesser workload as compared to the other specialities. Thus, I took part in the debate and won the second prize. First, second, third or no prize at all... it won't have made much of a difference to me. It's just that I sometimes love to hear myself on the mike. So, here is the script of my debate:

Merely at the age of 21, when most of us struggling through medical school with books piled up by our bedside and semesters & professionals to look forward to, Mark Zuckerberg the founder & CEO of the world’s largest social networking site, Facebook was already a multi millionaire. Leaving aside the whole FB ,connectU, harvardconnect fiasco he certainly did revolutionized the way we interact with our friends today. From sending friend requests to receiving them, from putting up jazzy profile pictures to changing status updates, from writing on walls to poking, from ‘liking’ to ‘super-liking’ to ‘super-duper liking’ pictures… most of us have done it all.

Respected Judges, teachers, seniors and dear friends, welcome to the world of ‘social networking’. Until sometime back, it was just a mere word. But its transition from just being a ‘word’ to becoming a ‘world’ has been phenomenal!

Accept it or not, Our virtual existence is marked by our Facebook profiles. By ‘Our’, I take the liberty to include more than half the audience present here today. Yes, we do form the small proportion of its 500 million users. No matter how much I hate to accept… but I am a Facebook addict! As soon as the net is connected and the browser is launched there is always… yes… always a compulsion to open our profiles. We may temporary delete our accounts or curse these sites for taking away our valuable time but… you like it or not they have become an INTERGRAL part of our lives!

Actually…On a serious note, these sites are not just merely recreational tools but there is lot more to them. Websites like LinkedIn focus on business and professional networking…. having the right connections can make a HUGE difference in the success or failure of a business. Knowing lots of customers, potential customers & potential partners is always important. In this day and age, the Internet is the place to be…. for everyone . From shopping and selling things, and find what we’re looking for…. Internet seems to have an answer for everything. And if you don’t have a network for selling your product or service… then you certainly are not on the right track.

BTW Are you just being limited to hi5, Orkut, Facebook, big adda or myspace? Well, there is a whole world out there…. There are so many social networking sites dealing with chronic diseases, alcoholism, drug addiction and autism… focusing on helping people… bringing together patients with similar issues and provide valuable information, contacts, peer support, and encouragement. I would not say that misery loves company but it certainly helps knowing how others have fared and faced challenges during the course of their disease.

You definitely can’t ignore the fact that there are social media campaigns going on like the one on micro-blogging site Twitter which was able to raise more than 20 lakh for cancer patients. And not to forget…after all Facebook did fuel the Tunisia uprising and the revolt that toppled it’s authoritarian president.

I would not being doing justice to the topic if don’t mention about one of the popular networking site for doctors… rxpg! During my prep phase for AIPGE… it kept me going. Giving me information about exam notifications, results, counseling and of course the support n help I got from my rxpg friends.

Many of my opponents may argue that these sites potentiate the increasing cybercrime. Well, it is not these sites which are doing harm, it’s the users. Remember, "Guns don't kill people; it’s people who kill people." Had these sites not existed, they would still find ways to harm each other. About the whole privacy issue… I believe it is not the fault of social networking sites, just because of internet’s open nature a lot of information can be gathered from a lot of places. It is we who have to exercise our discretion when posting sensitive information about us. Then again there are features like privacy settings which can easily guard us.

So I again emphasize that the use of social networking sites depends entirely on the individual. It’s a blessing in disguise if we look at it from the development point of view. It’s extremely cost effective and has an enormous reach. All of us are just a click away from each other. We can always stay in touch, no matter how far we may be. And this increased communication definitely strengthens relationships. We no longer have to wait for letters, telegrams, post cards, emails… we are always CONNECTED.

So to conclude, in this fast paced and ever changing world, social networking is a tool and a very handy one.

So tweeple keep the news feeds flowing and the tweets in the twitterverse active!

Thank you!

The Gift

Life has been a whirlwind lately. Convincing yet confusing. Clear yet misty.
As seconds tick by questions keep piling. And who has the answers... maybe no one.What the days have taught me is that ACCEPTANCE not approval is what holds everything together.
And it is the most beautiful gift one can ever give and get.

Live by living!

First of all, Happy New Year!!

Though, the start of the New Year has been plagued by sadness. Just 5 days into indoor posting and I lost my first patient. It is very unfortunate and disturbing. He was 67yrs old, non-ambulatory patient of Pemphigus vulgaris also on ATT for pulmonary Koch's. He had been in the hospital for past 1month, had received blood transfusion and was due for another today. His high dose steroid regime wasn't too favourable for his present condition but then I'm no one to point fingers. Though, death by all means is inevitable but then medicines and medical professionals do have a role to play in modifying this inevitable.

As a doctor, maybe,I can't beat myself for not being that well informed about his history and a casual approach (even if it wasn't). But it did come as a rude shock! And it made me realise how important a physician's duty is towards his patient. When they say,' Doctors can't make mistakes', perhaps, they are right. We certainly, don't have any right to play with a patient's life just because we were too busy getting a manicure done or too lazy to get out of bed! We chose this life so along with the perks we should by all means be ready to face the responsibilities and sacrifice that come along.

Today someone lost a husband, father and brother. He might not have been able to give them a parting gift but... he did give me one! I wholeheartedly thank him and pray that God gives his family strength to face this reality.

He might have touched many lives during his lifetime and even when he is gone... he remains my inspiration and my motivation.

May his soul rest in peace!

Happy New Year 2011

Though the New Year's Eve wasn't as happening as I wanted it to be but nevertheless I was totally content with the year that just passed by. And I'm so glad that I don't have to welcome 2011 with uncertainty as I had to last year!

Life is beautiful!

On a serious note, I resolve to make my 2011 even better than 2010. More studies, more gyming and a much more positive and happier me :)

Happy New Year! 2011 here I come :)

Wicked!

While surfing on the net stumbled upon this funny statement:

"Do you have verbal diarrhoea, or are you ACTUALLY INSANE?"

To my love...

And finally I parted with my beloved mobile- N73! It had been there with me for past 4 years. Had seen me through all the testing times. The ups and down of life. I never thought it would leave me alone like this. I'm sad. Devastated actually. Totally lost. And I'm totally clueless about where it could be.

Life is so unfair. *sigh*

I can't imagine holding on to another cell phone other than my N73! Hope god sees me through this tough time and gives me the strength to bear the pain.

And may my N73 live peacefully wherever it is and may it get all the happiness in the world. I loved you and will always love you till my last breath. And I miss you like crazy! :'(

The race is on...

When I plunged into this race, I didn't know it would get so disappointing at some point of time and that too this early! The defeat gets to you! It really does! What seemed perfect earlier seems distorted now. I guess V* was right, choosing strong words for defeat, even if it is others hits you harder.
This trade is not that easy as I thought it would be. But then nothing is.

Ah! Why am I writing such depressing posts of late!
I think what I need is a change of mood. Change of place. Change of focus.
Let change come to me or let me go towards change.

Cheers!

New beginning...

It is time! Yes, time for me to move on. To leave the past defeats behind and welcome a new beginning with open arms. So far, I've had a jittery start with a goof up at the counselling venue which I'm finding too hard to forget! How could I have been so absent minded. Sometimes, I surprise myself.
Though Patna was my first choice amongst the options available but still I've my reservations regarding it. Courtesy, public opinion about the place! I guess I'll have to take a FB sabbatical yet again to prevent myself from drowning in the pool of comments.
This 3 month long break has really taken a toll on me. I seem to have forgotten most of the subject matter . I'm scared. Apprehensive. Lost. Excited. All at the same time.
Though, I'll be just 1hr 20 minutes away from home but there is much I'll be leaving behind for 3 yrs. I didn't cry while going to MRU but this time I'm sure I will.
There are times we earnestly wish for something and when we receive the gift, we wonder if this is what we always wanted!?

Okay, I know I should stop ranting and just enjoy the journey.

Reality Shock!

I haven't been reading the newspapers for a long time now. I used to enjoy going through the mindless sections of the supplement earlier but have convinced myself to overlook them as well. The reason being that the print media hardly publish anything that would be of remote importance to me and without which I would die! And since I get all the updates on the net I don't care to give the 25 page modern literature even a passing glance. Also, it was only adding to the negativity I was trying to overlook.

But today since I chanced to read the newspaper, front page carried an article about a 14yr old child prodigy who had topped the JEE exam in Delhi this year. Reading further, I realized that I knew less than what I feel, I ought to be knowing! Reality hit me like a bolt of lightening. So here I am trying to rediscover and improvise my writing skills. I have thus decided to feed myself new words everyday and read extensively!

And as has been said: A person's success is directly proportional to his vocabulary!

So watch out for the soon to be successful Dermatologist :-D!

Dejected

I wrote this post last year, post entrance exam results, but didn’t publish it on the blog. Now, I believe is the perfect time to do so. Here it goes:

It’s been more than one yr since I last updated my blog!! Reason? Too many to list down. But the most important amongst them being exams.

I had finally got over with med school in Dec 2007. And it sure was a very memorable yr for me. It was the same yr I met Dee ( Dearra ). Never in my life had I come across such a high spirited girl. She was 10 on 10 in everything. Perfect figure, perfect features, perfect singer, perfect guitarist, perfect cook and a very perfect friend. She calls me her angel but the truth is that she is the ANGEL. Oh! I miss her! The times I spent with her I can never forget. Sunz, jayna, Dee and I had a hell of a time back then! Good times.

So, in the final year of med school I just wanted to enjoy. After getting a distinction and rank the previous year my mind was at rest. Since it had silenced my critics and some incorrigible lads, I didn’t want anything more. I didn’t put much effort this time as opposed to the 3^rd prof. But when I got my result I was unhappy as I missed the 3^rd rank by 3 marks and had to settle for the 4^th rank. That tiny bit of effort could have made wonders. I had no regrets. But now, when I look back I realize how important a tiny bit of effort is. And in retrospection, I now think that this is what has been keeping me down my entire life! A very negative statement but I think it needed to come out.

I came back home. Started with coaching classes for MCI screening exam. Cleared it in March and the very next day I started with internship. It was hectic! My very own batch mates, who I had spent 5years with, started calling me a cheater, some said I had paid money for starting internship so early, others were hell bent on proving it illegal and some even went to National Board to confirm if it. But they came back dejected.

Not many of you know but Internship in the initial days was a HORROR! So much so that I used to come back crying every single day and wanted to leave it. I had never imagined that being a Foreign Medical Graduate was such a serious CRIME! Though, I’m still living the horror but now I have got a bit impervious to the comments. So if anyone of you is preparing for pre medical tests and planning to go abroad please be ready to face REALITY when you come back.

Then, I started preparing for exams, it didn’t go that well initially but later it was better. I always had Nivs , Shix and my family for support. And I must thank them all for being there for me in those hard times. And now, that I’m over with most exams and have a not so decent rank 365 in Manipal and not so decent score of 124 in COMED-K in my hand, and still to go for the counseling. I’m wondering where did I go wrong? Or rather where have I been going wrong all this time? Why me? Will this ever end? Am I cut out for the competition? Do I have faith on myself…which everyone says I should have? Will I ever be able to prove myself? No, I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself...but still. Was it, the tiny bit of effort that was missing or a lot of it? I’m starting to doubt myself as I did 5yrs back. And as I type this I look for answers within me. I’m confused. Lost. Dejected. And sad. When will my time come? When? When? Will it ever come?

PS: The only reason why I wrote this post was to help me get a grip over myself. And now, having done that I’m feeling much better. Lol.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has indeed come when I too can walk with my head held high for I have proved to myself that I do have the spark within me and courage to face a challenge. If anyone of you has ever faced a failure or are facing one, do remember this is not the end of life; but rather it’s the beginning of a new beginning! With conviction, dedication and a positive attitude you can achieve what you now feel is unachievable. I did it and so can anyone. So, shine on…

Move over and make way for the future Dermatologist! :-)

I'm High! High on life!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Guess what! I got through AIPGE! Ahhhh!!! Ahhhh!!! And I'm running out of exclamation marks. LOL.

This is one day I do not ever want to erase from my memory. It is one of those days I want to keep re-rewinding!
Let me start from the beginning. After giving the exam I thought I might get a rank but wasn't that sure. I kept rechecking the answers from the various forums on Rx PG but was still doubtful. I expected 55-62% but apparently people said the cut off would be around 55% and that gave me the jitters. LOL.

Today, I had mixed feelings. I thought I might get a rank if I was lucky and if I would it would be in late 3000s. To save myself from all the anxiety I went off to Gurgaon with Mom and V*. Came back around 6.30pm and then I had to face reality. Mom told me to be brave and just believe in God. And then somehow I gathered some strength to view my result. The offical site for the result was not opening. So I then decided to open Rx. I was too scared to type my surname in the search so decided to go with the initial four letters of my name. And BANG! There it was... my NAME! In the list of selected candidates! I started crying! I was howling actually. Everything was static! I couldn't believe what I saw! Ahhhhh! I didn't know what to do. What to say. I was num. I just kept on crying. Meanwhile my mom tried reassuring me that I wasn't dreaming and indeed this was it. Finally! Finally! I was through! LOL.
The feeling is yet to sink in though.

I'm HIGH! High on life.

I'm HIGH. High on life.
And this feeling is intoxicating!

Ah! 20 days left! Hectic hey! Totally freakin out! Tryin to seek some moral support but all my best friends seem to be away :-(
I do realize now that YOU have to fight your own battles!
No worries, this too shall pass :-)

Yes, it will.
So here's to 360hrs of endless battle! Cheers!

On a lighter note. I received a forwarded message which left me laughing for over an hour!
Enjoy. Here it is :

Ram chandra keh gaye siya se ,
aisa kalyug bhi aega,
jab patient ko bhagvan hi bachega....


Aur doctor to bas MCQ karta reh jaega....